The anticipation to end chemotherapy has me in a whirlwind. A constant loopty-loop of emotion. I've never been more anxious to get something overwith. I had been in lying awake in bed one morning since 730am convincing myself to refuse any further chemotherapy. The multitude of negative effects it has on me both physically and emotionally, became so overwhelming... I refused to put my body through it any longer.
"Just 2 more Katie" is what everyone told me while deciding whether or not to move forward with the decision. 2 more, is too many. Maybe its just the fact that it took especially long this time around for me to feel like myself again. Over a week! I didnt have the energy to do anything but lie on the couch and windle in self pity. Which i'm sure you all can guess, is causing me to be an emotional train wreck. I called my Onc to hear about what would happen if I were to stop the Chemo and jump into Radiation. Why is it that someone with Stage IV Hodgkins gets the EXACT SAME treatment plan as someone with Stage II? 6 Rounds Chemotherapy, 17 Rounds Radiation. This fact bothers me. Makes me feel like i'm being put through 4 unecessary poison cocktails. She didnt call me back until 8am the next morning. By that time, I had been convinced that i'm strong enough to deal.
I'll still be asking her about it when I go in for treatment 11 of 12 this Tuesday. Who knows, maybe i'll get lucky and I wont have to do the last one. Unlikely... considering it will just be one more. 2.5 weeks until my last chemo. I have to keep reminding myself that it will be worth finishing it all. Make sure I never have to do it again. Be in that 90 percentile of patients that were CURED. (not just in remission, CURED)
Nothing better than buy 2 get one free shopping at the new boardshop by southglenn. New stuff and a giant glass of Dead Guy on tap made me feel much better. Thanks Dad!
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