After a rough week of awful chemo side-effects, being couch ridden and having the constant feeling to
wretch... I've decided to take my thoughts to my blog on this wonderful week of feeling better... FINALLY. I've realized i've been neglecting you all that follow me. Not enough juicy details. Hell, no one has seen my boy-short hair-do except immediate family, and cody of course.
I've made it my personal mission to document this horredous journey in more enticing detail. No one in my family has really dealt with cancer this "up close and personal" before. Grandma J had lung cancer, being the frickin awesome cancer vixen she is, got through it like it only took a week. (which I believe it took a bit less than a year) for remission. Grampa W had non-hodgkins, a lot more common than my hodgkins. Which the treatment is less aggressive. (Still cancer, none the less)
But HOLY SHIT! Katie? She's only 23! You guys have no frickin idea how many cancer babes like me are out there. Ovarian, Hodgkins, Cervical, Breast, Leukemia, you name it, someone in their twenties has it. Rare and all.
Hodgkin Disease though. Guess I should feel lucky. With the 5-year survival rates being in the 90 percentile. Might still have the opportunity to bear children. Only 6months of treatment... but no one with cancer should be considered "lucky". This chemotherapy, makes me a
zombie. Imagine that awful stomach feeling the morning after you've had waaay to much to drink. I feel like that for about 4 days straight. Nothing tastes good. Water has got to be the worst tasting drink (though most important) when enduring chemo side effects. Kinda like finding an old silver spoon at the bottom of an old box in storage, and sticking it in your mouth. Cob webs and all. If you can imagine what that tastes like... its what water tastes like to me. I still havent found a beverage adequate enough to drink during that bad week. When I find one i'll let you know. Next week, Hansens Natural Soda. One of those damn flavors has to work.
Then to the hair. I have to beware, last time I posted about my hair, it started falling out twice as fast. We'll see. When I started Cycle 2, my gorgeous new hair cut took a turn for the worse. I stopped brushing it, washed it every 4 days or so.. (gross!) and when I did wash it, more and more hair would end up at the bottom of the tub. I became a wreck. I found myself depressed over my hair. It was always my greatest quality. Being cursed with small bewbs, and a boys figure... my perfect hair was all I had. When it started falling out even quicker than orignally expected, I would cry everytime a hair loss thought crossed my mind. This was not only sending me down a certain road of sadness and agony, but Cody was starting to lose his mind as well. He could no longer make me feel better, keep me positive, happy. So we both decide its time. I'd have to say, shaving my hair was one of the best and worst experiences of my life. I was almost certain it would all be gone in a few weeks time. Sitting in the chair, trying on wigs, feeling like a complete moron just being in that wig shop... seemed to make matters worse.
I sobbed uncontrolably the rest of that day. As far as I know, my support group (Cody, Sarah, Mom and Dad) Cried as well. Usually people try and make fun with it. Cutting ridiculous haircuts, shaving mohawks, and so on... laugh it off. There was just NO WAY I could have fun with it. But afterwards, it was liberating. The first step in my healing journey.
Nearing the end of Cycle 3. Hair is thinning. Its about an inch long, and seems to be thinning up top, but staying strong in back and around sides. haha. Eyebrows and eyelashes (my second worst fear) are thinning as well. But I was told by my EX-ONCOLOGIST (details later) that I would not lose it all. Thank god, I hear when the eyelashes go... every little thing gets into your eyes. Sounds quite annoying. At this point, I feel liberated. Both happy and sad the hair is gone. Defintiely dont regret my decision to shave it off, because that road to depression could have done horrible things, both mentally and physically. The LAST thing I wanted was to hear the chemo wasnt working. Depression could have made that a reality. I refused to let that happen.
Like I'm sure i've said before. It really takes a toll on your ego. Makes you start the search for that "inner beauty" everyone keeps telling you about. Teaches you a huge lesson in vanity. Makes me realize, looks are the last thing I should be focusing on right now.
I constantly ask the universe for guidance, in healing. In ridding my body of this poison that has taken the reigns of my life and brought everything to a screeching hault. My plan?
1. Introduce vegetables!
2. Yoga. Focus on breathing, replenish the oxygen deficiancy caused by awful habits like smoking.
3. Gratitude. So many things in life to be grateful for, done focusing on the things that
piss me off.
4. MORE Water. I drink LOTS when it does start to taste normal again. I found that I lacked the hydration my body needed. With all the soda, beer, more soda, and more soda and another beer.
5. Meditation. Not only people struck with an awful illness... but everyone should seriously take 15min out of their busy days to CLEAR YOUR MIND of all the stress, negative thoughts and emotional crap that swirls around that thick skull 24hours a day.
Happy thoughts, equal Happy cells people. Trust me.
Heres some pics of my current hair situation. Sometimes I wear a wig, sometimes just a hat, sometimes just like this. Depending on my mood. :)
and its actually my natural hair color. DISHWATER blonde. ek.
Tehs Hawt!
Hope you can see my neat cowlick in back. I obviously took these after rolling out of bed in the morning. But none the less... my hair actually grows and thins at the same time. Quite amusing given what I expected when I shaved it off.
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