Monday, November 30, 2009

December 09 in perspective.

Thank you all for letting me rant there.  And sorry for the inappropriate middle finger that I felt was necessary.  Like the mohawk?

Have treatment tomorrow afternoon, which i'm looking forward to getting overwith.  Spending today getting more christmas shopping done (and wrapping), as well as cleaning the ol' apartment for preparation of the week to come.  In which I will NOT be cleaning, or cooking, or functioning.

December will be quite a month.  A few pros include the parade of lights, christmas lights everywhere, 3 treatments in one month (odd to be on the pro list, but it means end of treatment is two weeks earlier than I originally anticipated) Christmas happens to land on my off week, and Zach and Jennifer (future bro and sis in law) are coming into town.... which leads me to the cons.  They arrive on the evening of the13th, and I have treatment a day later...   So no visiting zach and jen until almost a week after they've arrived.  Um, the 3 treatments in one month also means feeling shitty 2 of the 4 weeks of Dec. as well as NYE, and I'm always broke during the holidays because of all the shopping.    ** At least the pros, outweigh the cons!**

What else....  Bobby is coming to treatment with me tomorrow, which is kickass.  Unfortunately Cody wont make it to anymore through the end of the year, hoping I get lucky with January.  But by January, I will only have 3 treatments left!!!  You can all expect a huge party 1.5 weeks after my last treatment... so... end of February.  Mark your calendars!!!

I will also keep you all posted once Cody and I decide on a wedding date!  We decide this month! (after my scan)

I'll leave you all with a pic of my wig...  I dont think it looks too bad.... 


The obvious fact that everyone looks at me and treats me like I have cancer is starting to get under my skin.  The MORE you worry about me, the worse you make things for everyone.  I dont want to know about your nightmares that involve me.  I dont want to be told that I look un-recognizable with my wig on.  If you were a women suffering from hair loss, you wouldnt appreciate that comment either.  Granted I'm not going to lose all my hair, i'm still going to lose 75% of it.

All you negative nancys are pissing me off.

I'm fine.  I'm still me.  I'm not going to let my condition bring me down or waste my life away.

So stop treating me like i'm going to die, because I'M NOT.  So STFU.
I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, but its my blog, and greatly expresses how I feel about you negative nancys.


P.S.The ring is new and thought it would add a little "pizzaz" to my middle finger.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Was impatiently waiting to get to this point.

Now that treatment 6 of 12 is complete, I can finally rest assured that the light at the end of this tunnel is near.   Is barreling towards me so quickly, I can taste it.  (well not really taste it, cant taste much but sewege at the moment)

Cody came with me yesterday, which he is always the best company in the world.  (as I tear up)  Hes only been able to come to one prior to yesterday.  And next to bobby, does a kick ass job keeping me company and making time go by quickly.  After tucking me into bed when we got home, he was off to finish the remainder of the day at work.  Needless to say, this guy rocks my world.   Though everytime I think about it, I think about how he doesnt deserve to be put through this, and yet he sticks around anyway.  Even tries to release me from the emotional chains that are keeping my hands behind my back.

I dont think i'll even be able to BEGIN to explain everything I am thankful for this thanksgiving.  Or keep it together none the less, but you all get the idea. :)

So Cody and I have been talking about where we want to go next year, when I can finally take a break from being a full-time patient.  And I think its decided!

Drumroll please................................... LONDON!

We both want to experience Europe so bad.  Shortly I'm going to talk to Neal and Devra about having a place to crash for a couple nights, then a cute Hostel or something for the remainder of the trip.  Should be a kick!  A well deserved vacation after a long and difficult battle for both of us. 

I'll keep you all posted on the deets!

Obviously feeling pretty uneasy today, and still have tomorrow.  But hoping all the fresh veggies and yoga i've been sticking to the last month, will lighten the side effects a bit and  make the nasuea easier to handle.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

She's always running from something

Every horrible horrible thing, has a silver lining.

I've taken the ENDLESS amount of time I have with my own thoughts, to think about what this experience will change.  For the better, or worse.

I'm done letting work slip by.  Settling for $200 paychecks.  Being the first to volunteer to go home early.  In order to have the finer things in life, I need to do more.  Make a difference.  Find my place in society.  Most cancer patients/survivors seem to be leaning towards being advocates, starting non-profits and raising awareness.  Not for me.  But i'm confident I will find my calling, as it often takes a close brush with death to realize what we're put on this earth for. 

I know my purpose is to make people happy, i've been doing it all my life.  Even putting others happiness before my own.  I will find an opportunity to encorperate that into a successful career, but never again put someone elses oxygen mask on before my own.

Monday, November 9, 2009

And without further ado.

After a rough week of awful chemo side-effects, being couch ridden and having the constant feeling to wretch...  I've decided to take my thoughts to my blog on this wonderful week of feeling better... FINALLY.  I've realized i've been neglecting you all that follow me.  Not enough juicy details.  Hell, no one has seen my boy-short hair-do except immediate family, and cody of course.

I've made it my personal mission to document this horredous journey in more enticing detail.  No one in my family has really dealt with cancer this "up close and personal" before.  Grandma J had lung cancer, being the frickin awesome cancer vixen she is, got through it like it only took a week.  (which I believe it took a bit less than a year) for remission.  Grampa W had non-hodgkins, a lot more common than my hodgkins.  Which the treatment is less aggressive. (Still cancer, none the less)

But HOLY SHIT! Katie?  She's only 23!  You guys have no frickin idea how many cancer babes like me are out there.  Ovarian, Hodgkins, Cervical, Breast, Leukemia, you name it, someone in their twenties has it.  Rare and all.

Hodgkin Disease though.  Guess I should feel lucky.  With the 5-year survival rates being in the 90 percentile.  Might still have the opportunity to bear children.  Only 6months of treatment...  but no one with cancer should be considered "lucky".  This chemotherapy, makes me a zombie.  Imagine that awful stomach feeling the morning after you've had waaay to much to drink.  I feel like that for about 4 days straight.  Nothing tastes good.  Water has got to be the worst tasting drink (though most important) when enduring chemo side effects.  Kinda like finding an old silver spoon at the bottom of an old box in storage, and sticking it in your mouth.  Cob webs and all.  If you can imagine what that tastes like... its what water tastes like to me.  I still havent found a beverage adequate enough to drink during that bad week.  When I find one i'll let you know.  Next week, Hansens Natural Soda.  One of those damn flavors has to work.

Then to the hair.  I have to beware, last time I posted about my hair, it started falling out twice as fast.  We'll see.  When I started Cycle 2, my gorgeous new hair cut took a turn for the worse.  I stopped brushing it,  washed it every 4 days or so.. (gross!) and when I did wash it, more and more hair would end up at the bottom of the tub.  I became a wreck.  I found myself depressed over my hair.  It was always my greatest quality.  Being cursed with small bewbs, and a boys figure... my perfect hair was all I had.  When it started falling out even quicker than orignally expected, I would cry everytime a hair loss thought crossed my mind.   This was not only sending me down a certain road of sadness and agony, but Cody was starting to lose his mind as well.  He could no longer make me feel better, keep me positive, happy.  So we both decide its time.  I'd have to say, shaving my hair was one of the best and worst experiences of my life.  I was almost certain it would all be gone in a few weeks time.  Sitting in the chair, trying on wigs, feeling like a complete moron just being in that wig shop... seemed to make matters worse.

I sobbed uncontrolably the rest of that day.  As far as I know, my support group (Cody, Sarah, Mom and Dad)  Cried as well.  Usually people try and make fun with it.  Cutting ridiculous haircuts, shaving mohawks, and so on... laugh it off.  There was just NO WAY I could have fun with it.  But afterwards, it was liberating.  The first step in my healing journey.

Nearing the end of Cycle 3.  Hair is thinning.  Its about an inch long, and seems to be thinning up top, but staying strong in back and around sides.  haha.  Eyebrows and eyelashes (my second worst fear) are thinning as well.  But I was told by my EX-ONCOLOGIST (details later) that I would not lose it all.  Thank god, I hear when the eyelashes go... every little thing gets into your eyes.  Sounds quite annoying.  At this point, I feel liberated.  Both happy and sad the hair is gone.  Defintiely dont regret my decision to shave it off, because that road to depression could have done horrible things, both mentally and physically.  The LAST thing I wanted was to hear the chemo wasnt working.  Depression could have made that a reality.  I refused to let that happen.

Like I'm sure i've said before.  It really takes a toll on your ego.  Makes you start the search for that "inner beauty" everyone keeps telling you about. Teaches you a huge lesson in vanity.  Makes me realize, looks are the last thing I should be focusing on right now. 

I constantly ask the universe for guidance, in healing.  In ridding my body of this poison that has taken the reigns of my life and brought everything to a screeching hault.  My plan?

1. Introduce vegetables!
2. Yoga.  Focus on breathing, replenish the oxygen deficiancy caused by awful habits like smoking.
3. Gratitude.  So many things in life to be grateful for, done focusing on the things that piss me off.
4. MORE Water.  I drink LOTS when it does start to taste normal again.  I found that I lacked the hydration my body needed.  With all the soda, beer, more soda, and more soda and another beer.
5. Meditation.  Not only people struck with an awful illness... but everyone should seriously take 15min out of their busy days to CLEAR YOUR MIND of all the stress, negative thoughts and emotional crap that swirls around that thick skull 24hours a day. 
Happy thoughts, equal Happy cells people.  Trust me.

Heres some pics of my current hair situation.  Sometimes I wear a wig, sometimes just a hat, sometimes just like this.  Depending on my mood.  :) 

and its actually my natural hair color.  DISHWATER blonde.  ek.

Tehs Hawt!
Hope you can see my neat cowlick in back.  I obviously took these after rolling out of bed in the morning.  But none the less... my hair actually grows and thins at the same time.  Quite amusing given what I expected when I shaved it off.